I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
You Might Also Like
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize