I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
You Might Also Like
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Lmbo
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.