I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
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Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
How to find Kentucky on a map
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]