Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.

*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*

Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.

Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”

Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.

Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain

FINE, I WON’T.

Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.

Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

#Caturday

One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator

*visits random websites just for the cookies*

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.

My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.

Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them

Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.

Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!

*2 hours later*

Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?

Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE

My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.

me hitting on a model

You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.

“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”

Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.

“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”

“No.”

“Why not, sir?”

“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”