I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
You Might Also Like
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
started wrapping my pills in cheese
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Don’t frighten the programmers!
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.