Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.

Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.

My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”

So I’m guessing my days are numbered.

Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*

me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings

boss: what time can you be here

me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now

boss: we’re short staffed today

me: i’m getting seized

What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?

You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.

A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.

*drops pizza slice on the floor

Hey can I get another slice?

*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice

Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?

Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.

I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.

Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.

You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …

Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person

Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.

hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall

For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

I didn’t realize that was an option

Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?

You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.

Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.