I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.

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[raises hand during kickboxing lesson] when do we get to kick boxes?
[instructor] that’s not what we-
[me] I just hate boxes so damn much


My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.


TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it


you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye


I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination


When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids


[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still


*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas


A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.


I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.