@JustMeTurtle

I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.

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@ibid78

[raises hand during kickboxing lesson] when do we get to kick boxes?
[instructor] that’s not what we-
[me] I just hate boxes so damn much

@HelmdawgE

My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.

@WritePlay

TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it

@yoiain

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

@Book_Krazy

I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination

@Jenn_H_Scott

When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids

@fro_vo

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still

@jada_captain

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

@Contwixt

A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.

@matny

I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.