@JustMeTurtle

I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.

You Might Also Like

@bobvulfov

[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say

@ArfMeasures

HER: Does your dog do any tricks?

ME: I taught him to lie on the bed

H: That’s not impressive lol

DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit

@mishakey

I was telling this chick how I almost died during childbirth and she asked me when I’m having another one. I SAID I ALMOST DIED, CRAZY LADY.

@Buffalojilll

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?

Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…

Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁

@Dawn_M_

What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?

@AbbyHasIssues

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

@TheDailySchmuck

I’m black but not ” can’t understand the Winter Olympics” black.

Those guys in the ski race are running from cops on a bobsled, right?

@WheelTod

I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”

@ben_watt

Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’