I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
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A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.