I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.

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DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say


HER: Does your dog do any tricks?

ME: I taught him to lie on the bed

H: That’s not impressive lol

DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit


I was telling this chick how I almost died during childbirth and she asked me when I’m having another one. I SAID I ALMOST DIED, CRAZY LADY.


Him: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?

Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…

Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁


What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?


Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.


I’m black but not ” can’t understand the Winter Olympics” black.

Those guys in the ski race are running from cops on a bobsled, right?


I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”


Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’