I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
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[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
How it started How it’s going
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.