Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?

friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks

me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no

This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once

I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!

Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)

*first date*

Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money

Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body

A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.

A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.

I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.

Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.

Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child

millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.

Cop: I’m going in, cover me!

Me:*speed knits blanket*

A dating app for angry people- Grumble

Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.

This is sending me to another galaxy

My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze

Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!

Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund

store manager: that’s a rocket launcher