I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
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Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.