I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
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I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Friday
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.