I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
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I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
early stone age tool
In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.