I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”
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[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.