Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.

Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell

How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong

[Arthur’s Court]

SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table

SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…

Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.

Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private

Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.

One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.

WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.

I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.

Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance

Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.

Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.

Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:

My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”

So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.

How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?

boss: can i see u in my office

me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out

date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house

Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand

She’ll love it

I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days

It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution

The Fast and the Furious.

– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere