I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
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POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.