I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
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No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:
Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
