I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
You Might Also Like
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance: