I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
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Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?