I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
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Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I might give this a try 😏
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to