I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
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If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
