I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
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Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS