I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
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Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
This a good idea
