I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
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date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ