I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
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Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.