Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.

Can I donate fat instead of blood?

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.

Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…

[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no

Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”

Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”

Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?

Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.

when a toddler tells a story

Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨

Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.

I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.

I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute

so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.

Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.

I would like even faster food.

Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?

When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep

i would wish you the best but i am the best

wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed

me: just changing the oil

Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt

Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line

My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven