I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
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*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Happy Caturday!
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door