Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.

ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!

6YR OLD: what are we having?

ME: you’ll like it! trust me!

6: I ain’t falling for that shit again

My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”

U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything

wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you

me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife

wife: on your coke though?

Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters

😏😏😏

I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.

“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer

ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards

JUDGE: no can do

I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

“Would you rather be right or—“

YES

[ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.

Me:

Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.

i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me

To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.

As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.

Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.

I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.

If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.

Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.

Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?

Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders

“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”

“Yes. Get out!”

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon