I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
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I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
6. me as a lawyer
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!