I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
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Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Talk about a bad egg
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
