Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.

I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset

Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.

Mom: why do you drink so much

Me: *stares at mom*

My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.

Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate

Friend: Hey check out this cool song

Me: Haha cool maybe

I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.

I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.

Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?

Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-

Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?

It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.

if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo

I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone

I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago

*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”

I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.

All my life lessons were learned by watching people who took my advice.

i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me

me: [offering joint] wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before

I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time

Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body

Disciples: ooh

Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood

Disciples: ahh

Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me

Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!

How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.

ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love

If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.

Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]

iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you

Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]

iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!

Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.