I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
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[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]
Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.
[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]
Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol