I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
You Might Also Like
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.