Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.

Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen

The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof

What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.

what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me

When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?

Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now

Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent

Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over

A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon

Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow

Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?

Me: Of course!

Friend: You sometimes-

Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?

Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.

Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight

shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.

My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”

netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”

When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.

kid: i need pencils for school

me: what kind

kid: number 2

[later at the store]

me: do you have any shit pencils