I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
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I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins
Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Steam Forums
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.