I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
You Might Also Like
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.