I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
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She was REALLY feeling it.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.