I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
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I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Fun Fact: Rudolph isn’t on the Epstein flight logs because he flew there himself.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
eggs benadryl
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?