Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.

I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal

4-year-old: What’s that?

Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.

*eats her bacon*

My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.

Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆

The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.

“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”

-me, drunk, watching the pool vac

The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.

A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.

ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?

HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it

I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination

Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

kids: *having a rough day*

air-conditioning: *broken*

me: *sweaty and irritated*

underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap

Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty

god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again

ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better

SURGEON: How did you get in here

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.

My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.