I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
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“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Received some very disappointing news today
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one