I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
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Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*