Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a McRib killed my tapeworm

*viking dad at a funeral*

I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows

🙅🏻

Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”

I’m giving up for Lent.

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.

math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass

me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?

math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit

me:

math teacher:

me: i don’t- is that going to be enough

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

Go hard or stay average

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.

Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.

[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma

Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?

FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are

I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀

Parents: Are you eating well at school?

Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”

And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”

If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍

Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?