Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today

TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.

I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.

I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird

me: i’ll have the steak

waiter: this is a vegan restaurant

me: ok i’ll have the vegan

Me: there’s no “u” in team

Canadian: we’ll see about that bud

My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on

A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear

every college guy’s fridge

I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener

Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you

At urgent care with my 8yo

Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.

😆

(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)

i want the dreams to chase me for once

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.

Nurse: we need to draw some blood

Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this

*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear

Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn

Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.

I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”

All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.

Murder* documentaries**

I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.

If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.