I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
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*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
My kitchen overserved me.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.