I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
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Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
The Struggle
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
mentally somewhere in italy
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.