Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

Shit dude that SUCKS

-me as a 911 operator

I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.

“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”

“Um, there’s no such thing.”

“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”

Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!

Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered

To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.

when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to

Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!

It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…

yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away

M: there are so many castles for sale in France!

H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there

M: that’s the best selling point there is!

What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?

There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore

You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha

Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.

Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no

[America’s Got Talent]

Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?

Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time

If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom

Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.

Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.

[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”

Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*

cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this

i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat

Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

[on date]

*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*

Her: Can you pass the salt please?

Me: Crap…

Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.