Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-

ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU

A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.

I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum

Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.

If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.

Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.

*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer

Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.

My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”

The student has surpassed the master

Well. That’s not a good sign.

Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.

“Damnit!”

-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.

Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.

[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road

[inventing video games]

i wanna be lazy but with a purpose

My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake

Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That

very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell

I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?

me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.

9yo: like clothes?

me: no they don’t have clothes there.

Dating Tips.

C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.

Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad

Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool