I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
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Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?