Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple

oh no, steve’s working tonight

A dead goose is called a ghoost

Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.

*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”

Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough

Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra

Photobombing Giraffe 😅

Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now

Me: *gets in from fishing trip*

Girlfriend: did you catch anything?

Me: *sighs* just an old boot

Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?

[at the opera]

Date: this is going on forever

Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing

So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?

♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫

Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.

Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”

I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.

I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.

Police: Pull over and stop!

Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?

Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!

Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!

7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?

Me: I’m going to be completely hones-

7: *begins crying*

Me: Daddy did. He totally did.

Tired: Clapping when the plane lands

Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives

What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.

Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

Her: Do you know any dog photographers?

Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to

Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.

Fun like a LinkedIn notification

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.