I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
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Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber
coworker: what adorable costumes!
me: costumes?
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]