Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.

FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.

if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent

Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.

People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat

My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter

[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.

I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials

so logan paul and jake paul are different people?

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”

Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.

Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!

Me: I said you can’t eat candy.

4-year-old: I’m not eating it.

Me: I see it in your mouth.

4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.

[harry potter at work]

Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh

Harry: a thestral, yes

Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate

Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life

Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner

Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.

It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.

<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men

<in bed>

<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!

<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered

<dog barks at door>
STFU!

Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about

Billion Dollar Idea:

Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.