I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.
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What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”