I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.
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If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.