I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
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Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Good morning.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
