I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
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14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Siri: Retweet me.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]
Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.
[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]
Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
All is fair in drunk and war.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.