I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
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Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
my mind
You just read my mind
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.
How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?
I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it