Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.

the clam before the storm

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

dream blunt rotation

Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒

Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”

Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”

I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.

I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.

1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.

Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense

“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”

my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.

INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course

I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy

writer: it’s based on a book

movie producer: ok

writer: about a boy who lived

producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave

writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat

producer: wait

*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on

Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”

[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.

My beach vacation Google searches

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.

My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*

Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.