Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”

I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn

A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.

“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”

Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.

Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.

Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.

Doc: Stop eating pizza.

Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?

I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.

You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.

Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

Me- Wished I was an adult

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate

Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat

Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today

I was first in line

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.

Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.

Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!

Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*

*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*

Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs

My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.

My one weakness is indecision.

Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.

one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.