7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
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Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?