I never knew my son was 80 years old until he told me to text our neighbor because “his leaves are getting on our lawn.”

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“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food


Me: They were gone. All of them. Just gone. I’ve never felt so alone.
Therapist: So, after the donuts were gone, then what did you do?


PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.


Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.


about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day


joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno


Gf:Do u love me?


Gf:Why do u love me?

Me:You’re the best.

Gf:I’m the best at what?

Me:Asking questions.

Gf: Like what?



[Airport security]

Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes

Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.

Guard: Remove your shoes