I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
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Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
let’s discuss
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday