Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do

Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.

I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.

King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’

~cats

Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript

tree: morning

me: oh hey

tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro

me: [exhales on tree]

tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff

The 9 levels of midwestern anger

9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”

Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

“I just love a man in uniform”

~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes

Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.

Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.

Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!

Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?

Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣

WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?

ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators

Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.

I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.

Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.

[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?

“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”

But…I’m Swedish!

“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”