I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
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If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
i made a craigslist ad !
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie