I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
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interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Now this is how you LinkedIn
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Worlds greatest photobomb
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?