I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
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I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Women are like buses, if you missed the last one, another will be along shortly to run you over.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?