Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

me: [has anything]

my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that

Me: I got a new car!

Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?

Me: It’s red.

I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.

Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…

*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp

[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard

Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??

[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan

*seductively annoys the shit out of you*

You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?

Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.

I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send

When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.

Him: I like to play devils advocate

Me: There are way better games out there

Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.

My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager

inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder

My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.

Douche.

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.