I never know how much to tip a cow.
You Might Also Like
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Beware…..
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
happy mother’s day❤️
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.