I never know how much to tip a cow.
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The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses