Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]

Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.

Girl- You mean a condom?

Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.

Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.

A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.

Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57

*putting a top hat on my dog*

Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.

i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B

Me: Hell ya I do

Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.

This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.

You can just call me Opposite Barbie.

I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.

Fruity

I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.

feeling dizzy

highly recommended, many stars

I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.

I do this on a Steffi Graph.

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.

Worked great!

Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know

The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous

The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.

Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

[parking lot in the 80’s]

*man appears to be having a heart attack*

MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR

ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead

My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting

temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now

a dragon: i see

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.