Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.

Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact

when you let your kid brother name your custom player

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-

toupeed eagle: what?

Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers

“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….

ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful

HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was

ME: ok now i’m bummed again

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!

Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.

No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.

[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free

All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?

no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate

Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.

Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…

Dear Samsung,

please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.