I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
You Might Also Like
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!