I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
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Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Me trying to reach for my goals
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.