An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
I never know what to do with my hands during pictures,
so I get it gang members, I totally get it.
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If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving
She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”
“You have 999 new matches”
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Him: speak dirty
Me: mud, mud, MUUUUUUD