[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
I never know what to do with my hands during pictures,
so I get it gang members, I totally get it.
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Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
My cat just meowed and it sounded like he said “ugh” and I’ve never agreed with him more
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Here, take my advice. It’s not like I’m using it…
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
I answer private number calls with: “Rent a Gent hello”
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.