@LosLos__

I never know what to do with my hands during pictures,
so I get it gang members, I totally get it.

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@3sunzzz

[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!

Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.

@ArfMeasures

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal

@barfolishus

My cat just meowed and it sounded like he said “ugh” and I’ve never agreed with him more

@Cheeseboy22

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”

@LilBlueBlood

Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car

@Darlainky

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

@TravZA

I answer private number calls with: “Rent a Gent hello”

@minkpinkustink

maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun

@LePetitOiseau_L

I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.