I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
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My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
LOOOOOOL
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.