Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.

I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.

Betrayed.

Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.

Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?

I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷‍♂️

I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts

Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks

Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.

God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.

*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list

adds you to my “No” list*

Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.

[first day as flight attendant]

me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE

passengers: *screaming*

pilot: yes I do

me: ohthankgod

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.

Does she really think I am going to let her leave?

I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong

Dad: I’m so hungry.

Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!

*Dad turns head very slowly*

[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]

Coworker: Pass your random drug test?

Me: With flying colors!

CW: Really?

Me. So many colors!

CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?

Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited

I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.

thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her

Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.

People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection

Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.

sounds kinky. i’m in.

DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?

It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.