I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
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me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Still laughing at this stupid meme
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth