I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
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If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
the icebreaker
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?