I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
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did it work
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Me driving through Toronto
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Finally a use for spoilers…
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…