I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
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“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.