I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
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Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*